Tonight at re:generation church’s evening service, one of
my dearest friends gave an incredibly moving talk and shared a very personal
testimony about how she was sexually abused as a child by a family friend and
had never told anyone, including her mum, up until last week.
I was really moved by her testimony and
inspired by her courage to be vulnerable and to share such a personal and
hurtful story. God really spoke to me and ministered to me tonight about many
of the tragic and hurtful things that have happened in my past and, after my
friend had prayed with me, He really prompted me again (I have been avoiding it
for a couple of months now) to share two particular parts of my story on here (one today and one later this week).
I have been extremely reluctant to put
either of these stories from my past on paper, but I have seen (both first hand
and from watching others share) the power of being vulnerable and opening up
about your past hurts and I really feel that it is time to allow God to use my
testimony in this way now. So here goes…
I grew up in a Christian home and one of
the values that I held in high regard was saving myself for marriage (being a
virgin). When I went to university, I still adhered to this principle. I
steered dangerously close to the line in secondary school (high school) and at
university, but pretty much the one thing I was adamant about was that I wanted
to ‘save myself’ for my husband one day.
While I was at university, I became good
friends with a guy there who was clearly hurting from many different situations
and had a tendency to hurt others (like my friend said tonight: “hurting people
hurt people”). He was the most ‘dangerous’ person I had ever been close to and
in a weird way that really attracted me.
We became good friends and eventually
started ‘hooking up’ (not sleeping together). He always pushed for more, but I
made my beliefs very clear to him and said that it was not an option for me.
One night, we went out drinking with
some other friends and all got rather drunk (as was usual for us at
university). One of the other guys that was there was an old friend/flame of
mine who was particularly drunk. In his drunken state, he kissed me. I did not
bother getting cross because of how very drunk he was and just helped him back
to our table downstairs.
Unfortunately, this guy that I had been
hooking up with saw this happen and became very angry and jealous. He pulled me
back upstairs, through the student union, up to were the offices were (and no
people) and started shouting at me. I tried to explain what had happened, but
before I knew what was happening, he pinned me down and started pulling my
clothes off and forcing himself on me.
It was over before I really had a chance
to realise what had happened. When he was done with me, he pinned me up against the
wall, kissed me aggressively and said “look what you made me do! This is your
fault for making me jealous!”. Then pushed me away from him and told me to get
dressed, before storming off and leaving me there by myself.
I felt dirty, empty and totally broken. It
was one of the worst nights of my life- one that I will never fully forget and
one that I kept to myself for a very long time. But I don’t feel the pain of it
the same way as before. I really brought this to God and through prayer and
mentoring, He has really brought me healing. It now feels like it was somebody
else’s life. Like it was something that I saw in a film- a vivid memory, but
without out the singe of pain.
God has taken that pain and the extreme
shame and He has also helped me to forgive this man of what he did to me that
night and for everything that followed. I tried to forget this by drinking,
going into other relationships and just keeping busy/distracted, but it didn’t
work. It was only 7/8 years after the event, once I had allowed God in, that I
began to receive healing from all of the pain that came with this.
All I can say is, if you have been in a
situation where you have been sexually or violently assaulted or abused, it is
not your fault and please do not keep it to yourself! If you do not deal with
it, it will come back to haunt you and eventually your own family until you finally face it- just the other day, a friend told me about a friend of hers whose wife
committed suicide after having to testify in court about a choir master who
sexually abused her when she was at school. She could not handle dealing with
it after hiding it and suppressing the emotions for all those years. Do not
allow someone else to have that kind of power over you! Get prayer, see a
therapist, speak to someone you can trust and who can help you, but don’t let it get to a stage
where it destroys your life and there is nothing that anyone can do to help
you anymore.
I really hope that this testimony will
help someone somewhere to come to terms with what has happened to them, or
inspire someone to speak up about their own experience, or even just make
someone aware of the pain that a friend or family member may be going through.
I know that God has given me healing, so
that I can share my testimony with others and touch their lives. I pray for
emotional healing and strength for anyone who has been affected by sexual or
physical abuse and pray that God will really minister to you and bring healing.
Blessings!
Ronell x
Organisations that support rape victims:
“The Spirit of the
Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news
to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom
for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year
of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who
mourn, and provide for those
who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a
crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of
mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be
called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his
splendor.” {Isaiah
61v1-3}
